Looking for Eagles Read online

  Looking for Eagles

  Savannah Swan

  Copyright © 2018 by Savannah Swan. All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  This book was previously published as a gay romance novel titled Winter Song by Rory Wilde. It has been reworked and reprinted with full permission.

  This book is intended for mature readers ages 18+, and is not suitable for younger readers.

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  Contents

  1. Jena

  2. Maggie

  3. Jena

  4. Maggie

  5. Jena

  6. Maggie

  7. Maggie

  8. Jena

  9. Maggie

  10. Jena

  11. Jena

  12. Maggie

  13. Jena

  14. Maggie

  15. Maggie

  16. Jena

  17. Maggie

  18. Jena

  19. Maggie

  20. Maggie

  21. Jena

  22. Maggie

  23. Jena

  24. Maggie

  25. Jena

  26. Jena

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  About the Author

  1

  Jena

  SUMMER 1998

  The best thing about summer camp wasn’t the canoeing or the s’mores or the nighttime walks to look for nocturnal creatures. It wasn’t the thrill of an arrow flying from a bowstring, nor was it the cold embrace of a cannonball into the lake. It wasn’t any of those things.

  It was the look on Maggie’s face when Jena sighted her for the first time.

  They’d run toward each other exuberantly, wrapped their arms tightly around each other. No one thought anything of it. They were just best friends, glad to see each other again after a whole school year apart.

  Jena and Maggie knew better, though. They had a secret between them.

  While the other kids were getting settled into their bunks and saying hello to old friends, Jena and Maggie would find a place to go and be alone, away from the others. There was a particular spot they liked, where some large, flat rocks sat against the riverbank. It was the perfect place to spread out on the stone, heated by the sun, and have a picnic or just laze the afternoon away.

  It was also the perfect place to do other things.

  After Jena followed Maggie to her cabin to drop her stuff off, waiting patiently while she waved goodbye to her parents, they walked to their spot together, frisson going through Jena’s body as she thought of touching her friend—no, her girlfriend—for the first time in nearly a year.

  The rocks were waiting like they always were, flat and pale gray in the strong sunlight, darker where the ripples from the lake lapped onto their edges.

  Jena sat down at the largest one, in the center, and Maggie joined her, sitting close. Their thighs touched, warm through the fabric of their shorts, and their bare shins and knees brushed against each other.

  Jena squirmed, already feeling herself getting excited by even the tiniest point of contact. Her energy had been pent up for so long.

  And it was weird to see Maggie again, even though Jena didn’t think she was this close, this emotionally intimate with anyone else. Every year, Maggie looked a little older, a little more sure of herself. Jena wasn’t sure she was keeping up, but she was proud to see the girl she loved becoming… well, becoming a woman.

  “So,” she started, reaching over and lacing her fingers through Maggie’s. “How was school?”

  Maggie laughed. It was such a mundane question, the kind you’d ask after a long day over dinner, the kind of question you’d address to someone you lived with, had a sort of domestic familiarity with. To pose the question in a long distance relationship seemed absurd. Of course, they communicated during the school year, but asking the question in person was different.

  “It was a good year,” said Maggie. “I think I’m figuring out where I want to go to college.”

  “Oh, really?” said Jena, her heart twisting uncomfortably. It was still early to be thinking about college, and Jena hadn’t even bothered.

  “Yeah,” said Maggie, her eyes lighting up. “I was thinking you could look at schools in Philadelphia, so you could be near me. There are some really good ones there.”

  “Oh,” said Jena, relieved. “I mean, we don’t have to do that. We could pick somewhere else to go, to apply together.”

  “But the thing about Philly is that there are so many good schools there,” continued Maggie. “And there are a lot of good schools in New York and Washington, too. As long as we end up within like, a two or three hour drive of each other, I think we can do it.”

  Jena hadn’t even considered this, of course, because she hadn’t been thinking of college. She pondered the idea silently for a moment.

  “Well, what do you think?”

  Jena could tell Maggie was hanging on her answer.

  “I mean, honestly, I haven’t even started thinking about college. I mean, we don’t even have to apply until senior year.”

  “But we have to make college visits soon,” insisted Maggie. “Maybe we can arrange to visit the same colleges on the same days.”

  “I’ll think about it,” Jena promised, realizing that Maggie had been waiting a long time to tell her about this brilliant idea—this idea that ensured they had a future together.

  “Good,” said Maggie. “We can work on our shortlist of colleges.”

  Well, at least someone was going to push Jena to go to college. Her parents pretty much expected that she would, but that was all it was—an expectation. They didn’t give her much in the way of guidance. How exactly was she supposed to choose a college? She had no idea where to start. At least Maggie had narrowed down the list some, and it would be useful to have someone to bounce ideas off of. Maggie was smart about stuff like that.

  “That’ll be helpful,” said Jena. “I really have no idea where to even begin.”

  “Great. We’ll do our research together. But school’s out for the summer, so let’s forget about it for now,” said Maggie, squeezing Jena’s hand.

  “Awesome.” Jena squeezed back, then, unable to resist, threw an arm around her girlfriend’s shoulders and pulled her close, enjoying the close contact, the smell of her friend’s skin, the warmth she exuded despite the summer heat. Maggie felt so real here. Dating her was like dating a ghost, except during those glorious few weeks they were together every summer.

  “By the way,” said Maggie, “I came out to my parents.”

  Jena was silent. She hadn’t imagined that Maggie would come out to her parents so early. She certainly couldn’t imagine coming out to her own.

  “Um, how’d that go?”

  “Well,” said Maggie. “I mean, I knew they’d take it well, but you know, there’s always this uncertainty.”

  “Right,” said Jena, not understanding at all. Her own parents would shove her right out the door the moment they got even a whiff of homosexuality.

  “Are you gonna come out anytime soon?” asked Maggie.

  “I don’t think my parents would react as well as yours,” said Jena. “They’re… they’re more like the people at th
is camp than yours are.”

  “Ah,” said Maggie, frowning. “But they’re not like, overtly anti-gay here.”

  “It’s there,” said Jena darkly. “And anyway, I’ve heard my parents saying shitty things about gay people, so like, I’m confident it would go badly.”

  “Oh,” said Maggie. She seemed disappointed that she’d turned the conversation in a negative direction, and Jena felt the need to comfort her.

  “It’s okay,” she said. “When I’m living on my own, I’ll tell them the truth and they can deal with it then.”

  But she knew that was easy to say now. It would be much harder to actually do it. In fact, it would be much easier to quietly live her life and omit the details from their knowledge.

  Ugh, it was stressing her out just to think about it.

  “Whatever. I’m just glad you mentioned the college idea. It would be awesome to see each other more often than just every summer,” said Jena.

  “Yeah!” Maggie scooted closer to Jena so that their bodies were pressed up against each other. “Just imagine like, cooking dinner together and snuggling on the couch…”

  Jena’s heart ached to think about it. She craved it more than anything—a space where she could be herself. That space only existed when she was around Maggie, who was not only her girlfriend, but her best friend in the whole world. The rocks were their special place, but it’d be better if it were a whole house. An actual, private enclosed space where they could be themselves and enjoy each other.

  Jena turned and took her girlfriend’s chin in her hand, kissing her softly on the lips. The kiss didn’t remain soft for long, though. They were two horny teenagers, after all, and they’d been deprived of each other for what seemed like years.

  Jena pressed herself up against Maggie’s chest, relishing the soft give of her breasts and the surprisingly lean muscles of her arms. When had Maggie started working out? She hadn’t mentioned that. Or maybe she’d joined a sports team recently. Maybe Jena ought to start working out, too. Maybe she could get toned and a nice tan over the summer, just in time to leave again…

  Shit, she had to get out of her head and enjoy the damn kiss. What was wrong with her?

  She gave herself over wholeheartedly, letting her hands roam around Maggie’s shoulders and under her shirt, allowing herself to feel the joy that her girl always brought her. What had she done to deserve someone so sweet and kind and intelligent and adorable? Maggie was perfect.

  They hadn’t talked marriage at all—not that actual marriage was a thing they could attain, but living together and being life partners would be quite lovely—but Jena could see herself buying a ring and proposing. Maybe right here, on the banks of this river.

  When her fingers intertwined with Maggie’s, she could almost feel it, a piece of solid silver or gold or whatever it was embracing her finger, a weighted reminder that they were committed to each other forever.

  Maggie was already on that page, thinking about going to the same college city. What if they even got into the same school? Jena had to get her shit together and work on that. She had a partner who was willing to build a future together with her, and she knew from observing her parents’ cold marriage, if it could be called that, that she was lucky to have someone like Maggie.

  It was all too easy to imagine them growing together into adulthood, like trees whose trunks merged together into one being stronger than the original. Maggie made her stronger. Maggie made the emotionally cold house Jena lived in more bearable. Every summer, Jena looked forward not only to the warmth of the summer lake and sun, but also Maggie’s presence.

  And so, as Jena moved her kisses down Maggie’s jaw and to her neck, knowing that was just where she liked to be kissed, she made a silent commitment to herself. She was going to do whatever it took to have a future together with Maggie. She’d put in the effort to research colleges and set up visits. She’d work for the future she knew she could have—the one where she had a loving partner in a beautiful home. No, a haven. A nest where she and Maggie could share their love.

  Abundant love. Just like God’s love, like they said here at this camp. Jena wasn’t sure she really felt God’s love, whatever that really was, but if it was anything like the way she felt for Maggie, she understood why people made such a big deal about it.

  A blue jay cried harshly somewhere in the forest canopy, and Jena broke away, breathless, brought back to reality. She didn’t want to miss out on roll call and dinner, thus drawing attention to herself on the very first day of camp.

  “Shit, we should probably get back, shouldn’t we?” she said.

  “Yeah.” Maggie smiled. “Man, I’m so psyched to be here. Seriously. This summer is gonna be a blast.”

  “It really is,” agreed Jena, her mind already running with fantasies of what they could get up to together. The counselors just thought they were best friends. But they were so much more. What did the counselors know about love, whether it was God’s, or someone else’s? Jena could feel it in the warmth of the sun on her face, the fluid song of the birds hidden in the lush foliage around her, the comforting presence of Maggie, who was like an angel sent down from Heaven.

  Nah, Jena already had all the love one person could possibly need. She had something truly precious.

  Now she just had to hold onto it.

  2

  Maggie

  The pain hadn’t abated as much as Maggie had hoped it would. It came in waves. At first, it’d been absolute. She’d been thrust into the void—the point at which she wasn’t just plain sad anymore, but instead questioning her existence. She’d put way too much effort into Callie and she’d been burned.

  You never thought it’d happen to you. Broken engagements happened, and they were tragic, but they never happened to you. Maggie knew as well as anyone the divorce statistics—of course, gay couples got divorced, too. But she didn’t think she and Callie would be a statistic.

  Turned out they were, before they even got married. They hadn’t even made it to day one.

  Callie hadn’t felt like she was ready, which was ridiculous, Maggie thought, at the age of thirty-eight. Maggie herself was just three years younger, but she’d chosen Callie because she thought the other woman had her shit together. Callie had a great job, a great social life, a great relationship with her family. She had a whole world Maggie had been thrilled to enter, to merge with her own.

  Now she’d been shut out, and that fucking hurt.

  It almost felt like it was the end of everything. When was Maggie ever going to find someone else to build a life with, especially at this age? She was speeding along to forty, and at that point, she’d enter new territory as one of those never-married spinsters. The thought made her stomach queasy.

  God, it was fucked up. Maggie’s friends had heard every rehashed detail, and she didn’t want to bug them with more. But she just had so many feelings. And underneath it all, like a layer of gravel at the bottom of the void, was the profound fear that she’d be all alone. Forever. Until the end of time. Until her soul left her body, having never known that kind of deep intimacy, the kind that only came from sharing your life with someone for decades.

  Yep, she was well and truly fucked.

  But now she had a choice. Her friends had texted her earlier, asking her to come out to the bar. Maggie wasn’t a big drinker, though she and Callie had frequently tagged along and had a drink or two—or in the case of Callie, a few drinks. Too many drinks. Maggie had thought her love would help Callie rely on alcohol less. They could have built a healthier life together. Maggie’s own mother had told her she couldn’t fix people, but Callie didn’t need to be fixed, exactly. She just needed to drink less.

  Anyway, it was a moot point. Maybe she could take a leaf out of Callie’s book today and drink herself to oblivion. Then again, why try to find the void when the void had already found her?

  Her phone pinged with another text from Ana. She was one of Maggie’s most sensitive friends, but you wouldn’t kno
w it from her manner. She was always ready to deliver a kick in the ass when it was needed.

  And that was just what Maggie needed now.

  She decided to reply to Ana and tell her she’d come, if only to rid herself of the guilt. They’d kept asking her, and she knew it was because they cared. Maybe if she showed up, they’d feel reassured. She could do that for them, at least, for the people who cared so much for her.

  Now she had to pick out some clothes, and that wasn’t fun. She had zero motivation to make herself look presentable. But deep down, she did care about her appearance, and she knew she’d kick herself if she went out looking sloppy. So with immense effort, she found a comfortable blouse and her favorite pair of jeans, slipping out of her pajamas and into the new outfit.

  A quick look in the mirror told her she looked presentable enough, and she grabbed her purse and phone and headed out.

  In the cab, it occurred to her that Ana might have an ulterior motive. She’d been subtly—well, not so subtly—trying to get Maggie to hook up with someone since the break up. But that was just her being misguided. She was the kind of person who liked to have rebounds, and she knew Maggie wasn’t like that—not now, at least. But it didn’t stop Ana from convincing her to do what she thought was best.

  Despite Ana’s kindness, that was one of her flaws. She was like the mom of the group.

  Maggie would just have to shoot her down again—Ana did back off when she was insistent enough—and try to enjoy an evening with her closest friends.

  She was blessed to have them, at least. They’d almost all been in the same freshman hall in college, had stayed friends during their four years, moved to the same city, and remained close ever since. Maggie was very aware that not everyone had something so precious like this. She treasured her friends more than anything—except Callie.

  But now Callie was out of the picture. Again, these were the most important people in his life.

  The cab slowed to a stop outside of the Eagle’s Nest, a casual place for fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. Even though Maggie and her friends weren’t particularly into sports, the place had a pleasant vibe that attracted all kinds, and being in the Gayborhood tempered its sports bar-ness. The games on the TV were also a decent distraction to stare at while sipping craft beers. They just tried to stay away on game days.